Le Rant de Les Misérables, part 61

Last time, on Les Misérables…

– everything
– got
– worse

…and now, the thrilling conclusion!

JEAN VALJEAN

Book Nine: Supreme Shadow, Supreme Dawn

Chapter I: Pity For the Unhappy, But Indulgence For the Happy

pg. 1428:

We must say, however, that it would be unjust to blame Marius.

Shut up, Hugo.

pg. 1428:

He did nothing more than gradually banishing Jean Valjean from his house, and obliterating him as much as possible from Cosette’s mind. He had in a sense constantly placed himself between Cosette and Jean Valjean, sure that in that way she would not notice him, and would never think of him. It was more than obliteration, it was eclipse.

Oh, okay, so he’s just gaslighting his wife until she forgets her father. That’s totally acceptable behavior and not at all questionable.

Hugo goes on to tell us come on, give Marius a break, he just found out his father-in-law is an ex-con and his lawyer friends gave him some extra intel that makes Valjean look super scary, and how is he supposed to know where Cosette’s 600,000 francs came from? And I am almost willing to buy it until––

pg. 1429:

As for Cosette, she was in on none of these secrets; but it would be hard to condemn her, too.

NO.

SHUT UP HUGO.

SHUT ABSOLUTELY UP.

Cosette isn’t even remotely part of the problem here, and if you even think of suggesting she is, feel free to go fall in a hole full of poop. Both her husband and her father are actively working to keep her in the dark about information that is INCREDIBLY PERTINENT to her, because for SOME REASON, despite her continued demonstration of coolness in the face of life’s cruel absurdities, they think she can’t handle it. There is no one in this situation more blameless than Cosette. Don’t you DARE compare her to Marius right now. I don’t care if he’s doing all the wrong things for all the right reasons, he’s still far more in the wrong than someone who is doing LITERALLY NOTHING because not one person who claims to love her trusts her enough to clue her in to what is actually going down.

Saying “don’t blame Marius guys, and also don’t blame Cosette” implies that it is equally likely that a person would blame both of them and NO, THAT IS WRONG, HUGO STOP IT.

Are there really people out there who blame Cosette for this? Can they form an orderly line so I can punch them in the face one-by-one?

Anyway.

pg. 1429:

It sometimes happened that Cosette spoke of Jean Valjean, and wondered. Then Marius would calm her: “He is away, I think. Didn’t he say that he was going off on a trip?” “That’s true,” thought Cosette. “He was in the habit of disappearing this way. But not for so long.” Two or three times she sent Nicolette to ask at the Rue de L’Homme-Armé if Monsieur Jean had returned from his journey. Jean Valjean had the answer sent back that he had not.

I hate everyone.

(No but really, look at that, even Jean Valjean is more to blame for the way he’s being treated than Cosette is. I swear I will stop harping on this eventually but GEEZ HUGO. HOW COULD YOU EVEN.)

Chapter II: The Last Flickerings of the Exhausted Lamp

Jean Valjean stops leaving his house and then he stops leaving his bed and then I scream at the book a whole bunch because NO, THIS IS NOT ALLOWED.

His concierge also disapproves. She keeps making him meals and he keeps not eating them. Very politely, but still. When she gets upset with him for not eating, he points out that he’s still drinking water. She says that’s not good enough. She discusses her Valjean-related worries with the porter, who says it doesn’t matter if he’s rich or poor, receives medical attention or not; dude’s a goner. Undeterred, she grabs a random doctor off the street and sends him up to have a look at Valjean. What’s wrong with him, doc?

pg. 1432:

“Everything and nothing. He is a man who, to all appearances, has lost some dear friend. People die of that.”

Chapter III: A Pen Is Heavy to Him Who Lifted Fauchelevent’s Cart

pg. 1432:

One evening Jean Valjean had difficulty in rising up on his elbow; he felt his wrist and found no pulse; his breathing was shallow and stopped at intervals; he realized that he was weaker than he had been before.

no no no no no

Valjean gets up and dressed, takes Cosette’s mourning clothes out of the trunk again, and lights two candles in the bishop’s candlesticks. He has to stop and rest several times during each step of these tasks.

pg. 1433:

He was eighty years old; before Marius’s marriage, one would hardly have thought him fifty; this year had counted for thirty.

not allowed

pg. 1433:

Night had fallen. He laboriously drew a table and an old armchair near the fireplace, and put on the table pen, ink, and paper.

Then he fainted.

AUGH.

He gets up again an indeterminate amount of time later, drinks some water, stares into space for literal hours, then writes a letter. Very slowly. Like, has-to-stop-every-few-lines-because-writing-is-exhausting-him slowly.

The letter itself starts off telling Cosette not to blame Marius for any of this (nice try, Hugo), and for Marius to love Cosette forever. Then he goes on to explain how he made his fortune in Montfermeil, specifically outlining the jet bead making process, what ingredients should be used, how much they cost, how and where they should be sold, etc. It cuts off mid-sentence.

pg. 1434:

Here he stopped, the pen fell from his fingers, he gave way to one of those despairing sobs that rose at times from the depths of his being, the poor man clasped his head with both hands, and reflected.

“Oh!” he cried inwardly (pitiful cries, heard by God alone), “it is all over. I will never see her again. She is a smile that has passed over me. I am going to enter the night without even seeing her again. Oh! A minute, and instant, to hear her voice, to touch her dress, to look at her, the angel! And then to die! It is nothing to die, but it is dreadful to die without seeing her. She would smile at me, she would say a word to me. Would that harm anybody? No, it is over, forever. Here I am, all alone. My God! My God! I shall never see her again.”

pg. 1434:

At that moment there was a knock at his door.

It was Javert! He had arrested Cosette and Marius and dragged them to Valjean’s house, along with a doctor and a picnic basket full of fresh bread. Valjean ate the bread and got hugs and kisses from Cosette and Marius apologized for being a douche and then Valjean got better and went to live happily ever after in the Gillenormand house. With Javert. And everything was okay and nothing went wrong ever again.

Right?

Chapter IV: A Bottle of Ink that Serves Only to Whiten

Meanwhile, at the Gillenormand house, Marius is in his office. Basque comes in with a letter for him and says the letter-writer is waiting outside.

Marius takes the letter and can tell from the handwriting on the envelope and the misspelling of the address that it has come from none other then Thénardier! What good fortune!

In the letter itself, Thénardier claims to have a seeeeeeecret concerning (or rather, “conserning”) a member of Marius’s household. This household member is evil and unworthy and should be driven out. If Marius wants to know who this person is, he need only speak with Thénardier.

pg. 1436:

The letter was signed “THÉNARD.”

This signature was not false. It was simply a bit abridged.

Marius is delighted by this turn of events, since it means that he can finally be done with the debt incurred by his father at Waterloo. All he has to do now is find whoever rescued him from the barricade, and he’ll be free to move on with his life. He grabs a fistful of banknotes out of his desk drawer and tells Basque to show Thénardier in. However! The man Basque brings looks nothing like the Thénardier from Marius’s memories. How can this be?

At this time in Paris there is a man known as the Changer who rents costumes to criminals. These costumes are rented as sets and include relevant accessories. For example, the “statesman” costume comes with not only coat, trousers, waistcoat, boots, etc., but also a wig, a pair of green spectacles, “trinkets,” and two tubes to put in one’s nose to change its shape. Thénardier has rented this costume, which is why Marius doesn’t recognize him.

Hugo’s description of the Changer’s business takes two pages and is an absolutely fascinating read, best tangent in the book thus far, A+ would read again.

Back to the action.

MARIUS: What do you want?
THÉNARD: Didn’t we meet at a party once?
MARIUS: No.
THÉNARD: Maybe it was this other party?
MARIUS: Still no.
THÉNARD: I hear America’s nice this time of year. Even considering the cannibals.
MARIUS: Get to your point.
THÉNARD: I’d like to move to America, but I need money to do so.
MARIUS: And this concerns me because…?
THÉNARD: You read the letter, right?
MARIUS: Maybe.
THÉNARD: So you know I have a secret to tell you, then.
MARIUS: Sure.
THÉNARD: There’s a robber and assassin living under your roof.
MARIUS: Doubt it.
THÉNARD: No, really, someone close to you is a robber and an assassin. Recently, even. I will tell you his name for free.
MARIUS: Okay.
THÉNARD: His name is Jean Valjean.
MARIUS: Knew that.
THÉNARD: …oh. Well, then. Also for free, I will tell you what he really is!
MARIUS: Go for it.
THÉNARD: He’s a convict!
MARIUS: Knew that, too.
THÉNARD: …shoot. All right, one more try. I will tell you an EVEN BIGGER SECRET than the two secrets I have already told you, for the low low price of twenty thousand francs!
MARIUS: What do you want to bet I already know this one, too?
THÉNARD: Ten thousand francs?
MARIUS: No.
THÉNARD: Twenty francs?
MARIUS: I probably already know it, just like I already knew the other two secrets. And also I know your real name.
THÉNARD: My name is Thénard.
MARIUS: Dier.
THÉNARD: What?
MARIUS: Your name is Thénardier.

pg. 1442:

Marius went on, “You are also the workingman Jondrette, the comedian Fabantou, the poet Genflot, the Spaniard Don Alvarès, and the woman Balizard.”

wait what

Thénardier denies all this, so Marius throws a five hundred franc banknote at his face. This prompts Thénardier to whip off his disguise and face Marius mano-a-mano.

Marius tells Thénardier that he already knows everything there is to know about Valjean: that he robbed the wealthy manufacturer M. Madeleine and assassinated the police inspector Javert. Thénardier is confused. Marius explains how M. Madeleine, an ex-con, reformed and went into the factory business and made a fortune before being re-arrested. Then, while Madeleine was under arrest, Vajean forged his signature and stole all of Madeleine’s money from the bank.

At this point, the audience strikes their foreheads with the palm of their hand at dangerous speeds. Because REALLY, MARIUS? Madeleine is an ex-con. Valjean is an ex-con. Valjean has a habit of living under different names––Fauchelevent, for example. Is it too much of a stretch to consider the possibility that Madeleine and Valjean might be the same person? Furthermore, how come Madeleine the ex-con gets to be reformed and innocent in Marius’s mind, while Valjean the ex-con (who raised and protected the beloved Cosette) is forever tainted by his convict status?

Fortunately, Thénardier has much the same opinion of Marius as I do right now, and is feeling almost painfully smug. He tells Marius that he is 800 different kinds of wrong. Marius demands an explanation. Thénardier tells him that since Madeleine and Valjean are the same person, then it was Valjean who robbed Valjean, and therefore no robbery was committed at all. As for Javert, that was a suicide. Marius demands proof.

pg. 1446:

Thénardier resumed, scanning his phrase in the fashion of an old Alexandrine:

“The––police––of––ficer––Ja––vert––was––found––drowned––under––a––boat––by––the––Pont––au––Change.”

People condescending to Marius will never stop being funny to me.

Thénardier also has newspaper clippings to back his facts up, appropriately dated and aged. One we already saw way the hell back on pages 359-360. The other says this.

pg. 1447:

The other, from a Moniteur of the 15th of June, 1832, verified the suicide of Javert, adding that it appeared from a verbal report made by Javert to the prefect that, taken prisoner in the barricade of the Rue de la Chanvrerie, he had owed his life to the magnanimity of an insurgent who, though he had him in the sights of his pistol, had instead of blowing out his brains fired into the air.

Marius freaks out a little and starts to call Valjean an angel and a saint. Thénardier is like what, no, he’s still a robber and assassin, chill out and let me finish my story. Marius assumes Thénardier is talking about the petty robbery Valjean committed forty years ago, but no, Thénardier has far more recent and heinous events to recount. Like the one time an interested person met Valjean in a sewer and found him to be carrying a body––

Marius is entranced by Thénardier’s tale of how Valjean lugged a corpse through miles of the Parisian sewer, including a perilous section he could have easily drowned in. By the time Thénardier whips out the chunk of the victim’s coat he took from the supposed crime scene, Marius is totally gobsmacked. Just not for the reason Thénardier thinks. As Thénardier talks, Marius takes out a key, unlocks a closet, and takes something out of it.

pg. 1450:

“The young man was myself, and there is the coat!” cried Marius, and he threw and old black coat covered with blood onto the carpet.

Kind of surprised Mlle. Gillenormand didn’t have it burned. Anyway, Thénardier realizes just how badly he’s miscalculated. But Marius’s reaction is less “violent” and more “bourgeoisie”––he starts shouting about how Thénardier is a liar and a cheat and a villain and throws hundred- and thousand-franc notes at his face. Yes, he is literally throwing money at his problems.

Thénardier does not question his good fortune. He thanks Marius, but Marius isn’t done throwing money his tantrum quite yet.

pg. 1451:

“Ah! Jondrette Thénardier, wretched crook! Let this be a lesson to you, peddler of secrets, trader in mysteries, fumbler in the dark, miserable wretch! Take these five hundred francs, and leave this place! Waterloo protects you!”

“Waterloo!” muttered Thénardier, pocketing the five hundred francs with the thousand francs.

“Yes, assassin! You saved the life of a colonel there––”

“Of a general,” said Thénardier, raising his head.

“Of a colonel!” replied Marius with a burst of passion. “I would not give a farthing for a general.

marius bby

Marius promises to give twenty thousand more francs to Thénardier and tells him to take Azelma and go to America or wherever he wants, just get the hell out. Thénardier does so. What becomes of him?

pg. 1451:

With Marius’s money, Thénardier became a slave trader.

…are you kidding me.

WHY HUGO

WHY DO YOU HATE HAPPINESS

WHAT DID HAPPINESS EVER DO TO YOU

DID HAPPINESS KILL YOUR PARENTS

IS THAT IT

Back to Marius. He calls for Cosette and tells her they are leaving, right now, for the Rue de l’Homme-Armé. She thinks he’s totally lost it but goes along with whatever her husband tells her to do because Hugo is many things but a feminist is not one of them. Marius is a little frazzled what with his opinion of Valjean having done a 180 in the last ten minutes.

pg. 1452:

The convict was transfigured into Christ.

Abandon all hope of subtlety, ye who enter here.

And what does Marius intend to do once they reach the Rue de l’Homme-Armé?

pg. 1452:

We are going to bring [Valjean] back, take him with us, whether he wants it or no, he will never leave us again.

FINALLY.

Chapter V: Night Behind Which Is Dawn

We return now to that mysterious knock at Valjean’s door. It’s Cosette and Marius after all! Huzzah! Cosette runs into the room and hugs her father, while Marius stays in the doorway. Valjean is overjoyed that Cosette has “forgiven” him. Because of course he assumes he’s in the wrong.

pg. 1453:

Marius, dropping his eyelids so the tears would not fall, stepped forward and murmured between his lips which were contracted convulsively to check the sobs, “Father!”

Yeah you better cry, Marius.

Valjean takes this as a sign that he has Marius’s forgiveness as well. He comments on how silly it was of him to assume that he would be forced to die alone without ever seeing Cosette again.

pg. 1454:

God said: You think that you are going to be abandoned, idiot?

Even the Almighty is snarky in Hugo’s world.

pg. 1454:

Do you know, Cosette, you husband is very handsome?

She’s probably noticed this over the course of the last year or so, yes, though I’m kind of surprised you have, Valjean.

Cosette interrupts Valjean’s rambling to scold him for being away so long. Because she’s still out of the loop and thinks Valjean was out of town. Because both her husband and her father are jackasses. Valjean says again that he has Marius’s forgiveness, and Marius has enough and goes on a rant about how ridiculous Valjean is for thinking he needs anyone’s forgiveness, and for saving lives and sacrificing everything he has for the happiness of others. For once in this book, I find myself in agreement with Marius. How does Valjean react to this listing of his myriad good deeds?

pg. 1455:

“Hush! hush!” said Jean Valjean in a whisper. “Why tell all that?”

Because you’re basically FRENCH SUPERMAN/CAPTAIN AMERICA/JESUS, VALJEAN.

Marius asks why Valjean never fessed up to all the good stuff he did. Valjean protests that he told the truth. Marius points out that telling the truth means telling the whole damn story, even the bits of it that make you look like a pacifist superhero. Valjean says he didn’t want to embarrass anybody. Marius throws up his hands in exasperation and switches topics to announce that he and Cosette will be bringing Valjean home with them.

pg. 1455:

“[…] You will not spend another day in this awful house. Do not imagine that you will be here tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow,” said Jean Valjean, “I will not be here, but I will not be at your house.”

Marius thinks that is ridiculous. Cosette agrees.

pg. 1455:

“We have a carriage downstairs. I am going to carry you off. If necessary, I will use force.”

cosette bby

She tells him again all about the lovely little room she has set aside for him at the Gillenormand house, and how there are strawberries in the garden and birds in the window and everything is beautiful and nothing hurts.

pg. 1456:

And no more madame, and no more Monsieur Jean, we’re in a republic, aren’t we, Marius?

COSETTE BBY

Valjean says that all sounds just swell. There’s just the one problem: he’s gonna die in about five minutes. Cosette and Marius are shocked and dismayed by his proclamation.

pg. 1457:

Cosette uttered a piercing cry: “Father! My father! You will live. You are going to live. I will have you live, do you hear?”

Jean Valjean raised his head toward her with adoration.

“Oh, yes, forbid me to die. Who knows? Perhaps I will obey. I was just dying when you came. That stopped me. It seemed to me I was born again.”

Marius channels Spock for a moment and declares Valjean’s demise to be completely illogical. Valjean replies that he is a convict and therefore God is right to let him die. If he weren’t already dying and also fictional I would slap him.

Then the doctor shows up again.

pg. 1457-1458:

Marius approached the physician. He addressed this single word to him: “Monsieur?” but in his way of pronouncing it, there was a complete question.

The physician answered the question with an expressive glance.

“Because things are unpleasant,” said Jean Valjean, “that is no reason for being unjust toward God.”

There was a silence. Every heart was oppressed.

INCLUDING MINE.

pg. 1458:

The sepulcher may have its enchantments.

…take a shot.

pg. 1458:

The physician felt [Valjean’s] pulse.

“Ah! It was you he needed!” murmured he, looking at Cosette and Marius.

And, bending toward Marius’s ear, he added very low, “Too late.”

Three cheers for Dr. Guilt-trip.

Valjean says dying is nbd, really, then rallies, seizes, and rallies again, giving Marius and Cosette false hope that he will survive. He explains how he made his fortune again, all the countries the jet beads come from, how best to make a jewelry clasp, etc.

pg. 1459:

The concierge had come and was looking through the half-open door. The physician motioned her away, but he could not prevent that good, zealous woman from crying to the dying man before she went, “Do you want a priest?”

“I have one,” answered Jean Valjean.

And, with his finger, he seemed to designate a point above his head, where, you would have said, he saw someone.

It is probable that the bishop was indeed a witness of this death.

Cosette puts a pillow under Valjean’s back, and he begs her and Marius to use the money he gave them to be rich and happy.

At the very end of it all, Valjean is pretty much completely paralyzed except his face and voice. He speaks very softly and gives a two-page speech to Marius and Cosette. Again, he begs them to take the money. He talks about the bishop’s candlesticks, and how to succeed in the manufacturing business, and meeting Cosette in Montfermeil, and giving her that beautiful doll, and finally tells Cosette that her mother’s name was Fantine.

pg. 1460:

My children, you will not forget that I am a poor man, you will have me buried in the most convenient plot of ground under a stone to mark the spot. That is my wish. No name on the stone. If Cosette will come for a little while sometimes, it will give me pleasure. You too, Monsieur Pontmercy. I must confess to you that I have not always loved you; I ask your pardon.

Not sure if laughing or crying.

Then, with Cosette and Marius holding his hands, Valjean dies.

Chapter VI: Grass Conceals and Rain Blots Out is not even a page, so I might as well reproduce it in full.

pg. 1462:

In the Père-Lachaise cemetery, in the neighborhood of the potters’ field, far from the elegant quarter of that city of sepulchers,

(Take the last shot.)

pg. 1462-1463:

far from all those fantastic tombs that display in the presence of eternity the hideous fashions of death, in a deserted corner, beside an old wall, beneath a great yew on which the bindweed climbs, among the dog-grass and the mosses, there is a stone. This stone is exempt no more than the rest from the leprosy of time, from the mold, the lichen, and the birds’ droppings. The air turns it black, the water green. It is near no path, and people do not like to go in that direction, because the grass is high, and they would wet their feet. When there is a little sunshine, the lizards come out. All around there is a rustling of wild oats. In spring, the linnets come to sing in the tree.

This stone is entirely blank. The only thought in cutting it was of the essentials of the grave, and there was no other care than to make this stone long and narrow enough to cover a man.

No name can be read there.

Only many years ago, a hand wrote on it in pencil these four lines, which have gradually become illegible under the rain and the dust, and are probably gone by now:

Il dort. Quoique le sort fût pour lui bien étrange,
Il vivait. Il mourut quand il n’eut pas son ange.
La chose simplement d’elle-même arriva,
Comme la nuit se fait lorsque le jour s”en va. [1]

[1] He is asleep. Though his mettle was sorely tried,
He lived, and when he lost his angel, died.
It happened calmly, on its own,
the way night comes when day is done.

FINAL THOUGHTS

1.) Remember when I thought I could finish this in a month? HA HA HA HA HA. Oh dear lord why.

2.) Do all of Victor Hugo’s books end with a description of someone’s grave?

3.) Les Miserables is probably the most aptly-named book of all time, for serious, I will never feel happiness ever again.