The Hollow Rant, part 11

Last time, on Henry IV: Part II…

HENRY IV: PART II, ACT I
HENRY IV: PART II, ACT II
HENRY IV: PART II, ACT III
HENRY IV: PART II, ACT IV
HENRY IV: PART II, ACT V

…or, to sum up:

– John of Lancaster (prince, badass, etc.) ended the rebellion!
– King Henry IV kicked the bucket!
– Prince Hal leveled up and became King Henry V!
– Poins disappeared, ne’er to be seen again!
– Falstaff was arrested and sent to the swankiest prison medieval England had to offer!
– Vaguely threatening motions were made in the direction of France!

And now, the thrilling continuation.

—

ACT I, SCENE I

The Archbishop of Canterbury and the Bishop of Ely are having a chat about a bill up for consideration in the court. It boils down to big taxes on the church. Like, really big taxes.

Ely:
This would drink deep.

Canterbury:
‘Twould drink the cup and all.

Fortunately for them, the King is a great guy and loves the church. Canterbury takes a moment to clue the audience in on the King’s about-face from the last play.

After twenty-six more lines of verse proclaiming how King Henry V is also the very very best at theological discussions, political arguments, war tactics, and amateur rocket surgery, the Archbishop of Canterbury gets to the damn point: he has a cunning plan! He will point over the King’s shoulder, shout “oh look, France!” and run very fast in the opposite direction.

See, as it turns out, the King is a distant descendant of the French throne as well as the English. Therefore, he should totally run over there and conquer it. It’s just wacky enough to work!

The King happens to be meeting with the French ambassador in about five minutes, so Canterbury and Ely rush over to enact said plan.

—

ACT I, SCENE II

First, some notes.

Since Prince Hal miraculously evolved into King Henry V in the last play, John of Lancaster (prince, badass, etc.) is now John, Duke of Bedford (prince, badass, etc.). Humphrey is still Duke of Gloucester, and Thomas remains Duke of Clarence. Exeter is the King’s uncle, Westmoreland is the King’s cousin, and poor Warwick is just a noble.

All these people are waiting now for the meeting with the French ambassador to begin. The King asks for the Archbishop of Canterbury to be brought in, so that he may speak with him before they talk with the ambassador. Turns out the King already knows a wee bit about this whole “heir to the French throne” thing and just needs the deets.

King: […]
And God forbid, my dear and faithful lord,
That you should fashion, rest, or bow your reading,
Or nicely charge your understanding soul
With opening titles miscreate, whose right
Suits not in native colors with the truth;
For God doth know how many now in health
Shall drop their blood in approbation
Of what your reverence shall incite us to.

“No lies now, ’cause a whole bunch of people are about to die based on what you say!”

So, y’know, no pressure.

Canterbury gives a long-winded and labyrinthine explanation that boils down thusly: the French have a law that says no women can inherit property. For the last four hundred billion years or so, they have used this to prevent the throne from passing down through the mother’s side. Otherwise, the French throne would totally be King Henry V’s. But! It turns out that French kings have been inheriting through their mothers the whole time! Those sneaky bastards!

The King still isn’t quite convinced that it’s entirely on the up-and-up for him to be claiming the French throne, but Canterbury jumps in with some Bible quotes about female inheritance, and adds some “your ancestors were totally brave enough to do this, why aren’t you?” for good measure. Ely and Exeter concur, and Westmoreland points out that England is like super powerful right now, so it’s now or never.

The King points out that literally every other time they have tried to invade France, Scotland has taken the opportunity to attack. Canterbury counters with a historical fact concerning King Edward’s invasion of France, during which he was able to capture the King of Scotland. So clearly, the Scots aren’t much to be worried about. Ely’s more nervous about it, but Exeter thinks the court can divide their power up in such a way that they can handle the Scottish threat while the King takes on France. Canterbury expands on this point at great length, going on and on and on for thirty-seven lines about how totally awesome England is and how they can do this in no time flat.

The King, convinced at last, calls in the French ambassador.

Ambassador:
May’t please your Majesty to give us leave
Freely to render what we have in charge,
Or shall we sparingly show you far off
The Dauphin’s meaning and our embassy?

“Permission to speak freely, sir?”

King:
We are no tyrant, but a Christian king,
Unto whose grace our passion is as subject
As is our wretches fettered in our prisons.
Therefore with frank and with uncurbèd plainness
Tell us the Dauphin’s mind.

“Granted.”

Ambassador:
Thus, then, in few:
Your Highness, lately sending into France,
Did claim some certain dukedoms in the right
Of your great predecessor, King Edward the THird;
In answer of which claim, the prince our master
Says that you savor too much of your youth
And bids you be advised there’s naught in France
That can be with a simple galliard won.
You cannot revel into dukedoms there.
He therefore sends you, meeter for your spirit,
This tun of treasure, and, in lieu of this,
Desires you let the dukedoms that you claim
Hear no more of you. This the Dauphin speaks.

Short version: “We got your memo about how you want a whole bunch of France, and we were like, yeah, no. You can’t party your way into our country, dude. But! We got you some treasure that you’ll probably like a whole lot more than ruling France. We feel it’s more your speed.”

King:
What treasure, uncle?

Exeter:
Tennis balls, my liege.

Ha ha ha what.

Tennis balls.

What.

Can we all just take a moment and ponder this? I mean, this is legit. This is the text on the page right here. Tennis balls.

The Dauphin sent King Henry V tennis balls.

Because ALL OF EUROPE thinks King Henry V is an irresponsible child.

Ahahahahaha help I can’t breathe.

King Henry V, of course, has the perfect retort.

King: […]
We are glad the Dauphin is so pleasant with us.
His present and your pains we thank you for.
When we have matched our rackets to these balls,
We will in France, by God’s grace, play a set
Shall strike his father’s crown into the hazard.
Tell him he hath made a match with such a wrangler
That all the courts of France will be disturbed
With chases.

Trans.: “You want to play tennis? I’LL SHOW YOU TENNIS!”

And we understand him well,
How he comes o’er with our wilder days,
Not measuring what use we made of them.
We never valued this poor seat of England
And therefore, living hence, did give ourself
To barbarous license, as ’tis ever common
That men are merriest when they are from home.
But tell the Dauphin I will keep my state,
Be like a king, and show my sail of greatness
When I do rouse me in my throne of France,
For that I have laid by my majesty
And plodded like a man for working days.
But I will rise there with so full a glory
That I will dazzle all the eyes of France,
Yea, strike the Dauphin blind to look on us.

tl;dr – PHOENIX KING HARRY

And tell the pleasant prince this mock of his
Hath turned his balls to gun-stones, and his soul
Shall stand sore chargèd for the wasteful vengeance
That shall fly with them; for many a thousand widows
Shall this his mock mock out of their dear husbands,
Mock mothers from their sons, mock castles down,
And some are yet ungotten and unborn
That shall have cause to curse the Dauphin’s scorn.
But this lies all within the will of God,
To whom I do appeal, and in whose name
Tell you the Dauphin I am coming on,
To venge me as I may and to put forth
My rightful hand in a well-hallowed cause.
So get you hence in peace. And tell the Dauphin
His jest will savor but of shallow wit
When thousands weep more than did laugh at it.

Bolded for badassery.

The French ambassadors leave without a word.

Exeter:
This was a merry message.

Trans.: “lol”

To which King Henry V is like, “Fuck yes I’m hilarious, now let’s go kick France’s ass.”