Last time, on Much Ado…
– MASQUERADE! PAPER FACES ON PARADE!
– the whole Claudio/Hero/Don Pedro thing got resolved really quickly
– so we replaced it with a new convoluted miscommunication plot
– this time, we’re pretending Beatrice is in love with Benedick to trick Benedick into falling in love with Beatrice so Beatrice will actually love him!
– it’s completely foolproof
– also Don John still wants to ruin Claudio’s wedding but it’s not because he likes him or anything, baka
…and now, the thrilling continuation!
ACT III, SCENE I
Wherein Hero finally gets some lines. A lot of lines. And I start to get the sneaking suspicion that the only reason she was silent so long was because Beatrice wouldn’t let her get a word in edgewise.
Anyway.
Here we are in Leonato’s Garden of Intrigue and Eavesdropping. Yes, again. This time it’s occupied by Hero and her ladies-in-waiting Margaret and Ursula. Hero instructs Margaret to go find Beatrice and tell her that Hero and Ursula are in the garden gossiping about Beatrice and Beatrice should totally come spy on them. Away Margaret goes. Hero then gives instructions to Ursula, including the following.
HERO: […] Our talk must only be of Benedick.
However, once Beatrice comes in, the plan seems to change. Hero has a LOT to say about her cousin, such as…
HERO: […] No, truly, Ursula, she is too disdainful.
I know her spirits are as coy and wild
As haggards of the rock.
…and…
HERO: […] Nature never framed a woman’s heart
Of prouder stuff than that of Beatrice.
Disdain and Scorn ride sparkling in her eyes,
Misprizing what they look on; and her wit
Values itself so highly that to her
All matter else seems weak. She cannot love,
Nor take no shape nor project of affection,
She is so self-endeared.
…and…
HERO: […] I never yet saw a man,
How wise, how noble, young, how rarely featured,
But she would spell him backward. If fair-faced,
She would swear the gentleman should be her sister;
[…] So turns she every man the wrong side out
And never gives to truth and virtue that
Which simpleness and merit purchaseth.
tl;dr – Beatrice is so snarky and self-centered as to be completely incapable of understanding or expressing human affection, and Hero has had it up to here with her.
HERO: […] But who dare tell her so? If I should speak,
She would mock me into air; O, she would laugh me
Out of myself, press me to death with wit!
I think Hero might be my new favorite character.
Hero and Ursula manage to sneak in a few words about how great Benedick is and how much he loves Beatrice, once Hero’s done griping about her cousin. They go off, satisfied that their plan is working and Beatrice is fooled. They are so, so right.
BEATRICE: What fire is in mine ears?
Can this be true?
Stand I condemned for pride and scorn so much?
Contempt, farewell! And maiden pride, adieu!
No glory lives behind the back of such.
And, Benedick, love on; I will requite thee,
Taming my wild heart to thy loving hand.
If thou dost love, my kindness shall incite thee
To bind our loves up in a holy band;
For others say thou dost deserve, and I
Believe it better than reportingly.
trans.: After overhearing that the dude she hates with a fiery passion carries a top-secret torch for her, Beatrice is immediately willing and eager to marry him.
I’m sure there’s no way this can possibly go wrong.
ACT III, SCENE II
Don Pedro, Claudio, Benedick, and Leonato are bumming around Leonato’s house. Don Pedro tells Claudio he’ll be skipping town right after Claudio’s wedding. Claudio offers to accompany Don Pedro on this trip, apparently not understanding the concept of “honeymoon.” Don Pedro quickly talks some sense into him.
DON PEDRO: Nay, that would be as great a soil in the new gloss of your marriage as to show a child his new coat and forbid him to wear it.
Instead of Claudio, Don Pedro will be bringing Benedick along, because Benedick is the life of the party. But Benedick isn’t feeling so hot. Claudio suggests this is because he is in love; Don Pedro shoots down the notion, saying Benedick prolly just wants to borrow some cash. Benedick claims he has a toothache. No one believes him.
Claudio says again that Benedick is in love, and this time offers proof: he’s been dressing up all kinds of fancy.
DON PEDRO: Hath any man seen him at the barber’s?
CLAUDIO: No, but the barber’s man hath been seen with him, and the old ornament of his cheek hath already stuffed tennis balls.
So yeah, Benedick is shaved, well-dressed, bathed, painted, and doused in perfume. All this, combined with his frowny face, prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is head-over-heels in love with Beatrice (though they never call her out by name in this scene).
Benedick has enough of Claudio and Don Pedro’s teasing and leaves with Leonato. Don John steps up to fill the void Benedick leaves behind.
Don Pedro barely has time to say hello to his brother before Don John cuts to the chase: he has news for Claudio.
DON JOHN: You may think I love you not
The audience, on the other hand, is very much convinced you love Claudio, Don John.
Anyway, Don John is here to tell Claudio that his fianceé is unfaithful.
CLAUDIO: Who? Hero?
DON JOHN: Even she––Leonato’s Hero, your Hero, every man’s Hero.
Whoa there.
CLAUDIO: Disloyal?
DON JOHN: The word is too good to paint out her wickedness. I could say she were worse. Think you of a worse title, and I will fit her to it.
Dude I know you’re a bastard but you don’t have to be this pointlessly dickish.
Don John tells Claudio and Don Pedro to come with him to hang out underneath Hero’s bedroom window tonight, and they’ll see dudes going in and out of it, if you know what I mean. Claudio, who frequently checks ceilings to see if someone has written “gullible” on them, says that if what Don John claims is true, he’ll denounce Hero in front of everyone tomorrow at their wedding, right in front of the altar. Don Pedro vows to join in. I facepalm, because seriously Claudio, LEARN BASIC PATTERN RECOGNITION. WE HAVE ALREADY DONE THIS SONG AND DANCE.
ACT III, SCENE III
For once, not taking place in Leonato’s house. We are instead out in the street, with Dogberry, Verges, and the Watch. We haven’t met them before, but the front of the book tells me Dogberry is a constable. Dogberry and Verges speak almost entirely in malapropisms, which is going to throw my “understanding the text by taking the words I do understand and using context to translate the rest” strategy for a loop.
Dogberry and Verges are instructing the Watch on how to do their job, which mostly involves not doing their job.
DOGBERRY: If you meet a thief, you may suspect him, by virtue of your office, to be no true man; and for such kind of men, the less you meddle or make with them, why, the more is for your honesty.
WATCH: If we know him to be a thief, shall we not lay hands on him?
DOGBERRY: Truly, by your office you may; but I think they that touch pitch will be defiled. The most peaceable way for you, if you do take a thief, is to let him show himself what he is, and steal out of your company.
Humor aside, the point of this scene is that Dogberry, Verges, and the rest of the Watch will ALSO be skulking around Leonato’s house tonight, because there’s a wedding on tomorrow and things could devolve into chaos without someone around to keep order.
Having given their orders, Dogberry and Verges move out, leaving the Watch behind to eavesdrop on a conversation between Borachio and Conrade. (In case you’ve forgotten, Borachio and Conrade are Don John’s posse.) Borachio brags that he’s earned a thousand ducats from Don John.
CONRADE: Is it possibly that any villainy should be so dear?
BORACHIO: Thou shouldst rather ask if it were possible any villainy should be so rich; for when rich villains have need of poor ones, poor ones may make what price they will.
Touché.
Borachio and Conrade go on to discuss fashion. Borachio refers to it offhandedly as “deformed,” which the Watch takes to be the name of the thief Deformed and assumes Conrade and Borachio are his associates. Borachio also tells Conrade about the whole Margaret as Hero deception and how, having witnessed “Hero” bidding a mysterious midnight lover goodbye, Claudio now plans to denounce her at their wedding tomorrow and leave her at the altar. No sooner is this story told that the Watch arrest Conrade and Borachio because of reasons.
ACT III, SCENE IV
Back at Leonato’s house. It’s the next morning (I think?) and Hero is hanging out with her ladies-in-waiting. She sends Ursula off to get Beatrice out of bed, leaving Margaret to help her dress. Margaret disagrees with Hero’s clothing choices and suggests another outfit, but Hero is fond of her newfound spine and stands firm.
HERO: My cousin’s a fool, and thou art another. I’ll wear none but this.
You tell ’em, Hero.
Margaret talks about dresses for a bit and how she saw this really super fancy dress one time and it was so pretty but Hero’s is prettier even though it’s plainer because it’s subtle and graceful and whatnot. Hero’s like, thanks.
HERO: God give me joy to wear it, for my heart is exceeding heavy.
MARGARET: ‘Twill be heavier soon by the weight of a man.
Oh my.
Hero tells Margaret off for being so saucy, but Margaret weasel-words her way out of it. Beatrice shows up, sounding miserable. Hero asks her what’s wrong. Beatrice claims she’s ill. Margaret cannot stop turning everything into sexual innuendo. She also recommends Carduus Benedictus for Beatrice’s cold. Beatrice freaks out, demanding to know why Margaret is suggesting Benedick. Margaret feigns innocence at great length.
MARGARET: Moral? No, by my troth, I have no moral meaning. I meant plain holy thistle. You may think perchance that I think you are in love. Nay, by’r lady, I am not such a fool to think what I list; nor I list not to think what I can; nor indeed I cannot think, if I would think my heart out of thinking, that you are in love, or that you will be in love, or that you can be in love. Yet Benedick was such another, and now is he become a man. He swore he would never marry; and yet now in despite of his heart he eats his meat without grudging. And how you may be converted I know not; but methinks you look with your eyes as other women do.
BEATRICE: What pace is this that thy tongue keeps?
MARGARET: Not a false gallop.
Ursula comes in to tell Hero that Don Pedro, Don John, Claudio, and Benedick are ready to take her to church.
ACT III, SCENE V
Still in Leonato’s house, though probably a different room.
Leonato is with Dogberry and Verges, who have some news for him. The news is that they have arrested Conrade and Borachio re: some badness going down last night on Leonato’s property. They ask Leonato to come question the prisoners. However, because Dogberry and Verges are Dogberry and Verges, they are unable to communicate this idea efficiently enough for Leonato’s tastes and he gets bored and wanders off to his daughter’s wedding. Dogberry and Verges give up and go back to the jail.
UP NEXT: A wedding?
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